In the Pursuit of Happiness

I didn’t remember it feeling so good but I’m sure I was aware. And it truly feels like this journey to happiness was a long time comin’ but it’s here and I’m not letting go.

Like many of us, I entered adulthood damaged from various scenes of childhood but as a young girl, I didn’t understand the impact it would have. And, with the social stigmas which gives some of us permission to acknowledge hurt while the rest of us are not allowed, I really didn’t know that I was something that needed review.

Now let’s fast forward to the pursuit of goals and dreams and all the various scenes in the form of fears that began to interrupt my plans. I thought I did most of it right. College? Check. Grad school? Check. Condo? Check. So when life started pulling those ‘things’ away I was thoroughly confused. Did I get it so wrong to deserve a bankruptcy? Abusive relationships? Failure after failure after failure. Why God why?!

It took me a long long time to acknowledge I was trying to win a game that required coaching. I was never supposed to do it alone and I was walking onto the field with no direction, no padding for safety, no actual game plan on how to win. I needed help. Enter my friend, the pandemic.

The depression snuck up on me. I didn’t notice it when I was angry every morning in the shower or crying randomly during the day. I didn’t notice it when my desire to comb my hair disappeared and I no longer cared to have conversations with people. Life forced me to look up and when I did, I noticed two roads. The first road was the one that looked familiar. It had all the usual suspects, pain fear doubt frustration. The other road also had fear but it was a different fear. It was a fear that if I didn’t do it now, I may not have an opportunity in the future. I didn’t feel pressure. I felt peace which was new so I opted to follow that. And I did. And it was hard but the rewards are outstanding.

I’m happy.

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